Couple Talk 4: When Idiots Attack
by JaerWolfe
Summary: Not every situation requires a violent resolution...


A/N: This fic owes everything but the spider to siriusrambles, who compiled a list for me. The spider is still jillyfae's fault.

* * *

"I see you." Shepard narrowed her eyes at the spider just beyond the pane of glass. "I know what you're thinking."

The spider moved out from its den under a cork board Kaidan had lovingly placed in the red sand and paused. A low hissing noise came from the back legs.

"I know you have this sick cross species crush on him, but I'm telling you right now, he's mine." Shepard continued, her words little more than a whisper as she lowered her face to be on level with the spider. "You can try all you want, but you are never going to be more than his pet."

The spider darted forward and smacked two legs against the glass right at Shepard's eyes, fangs showing. Shepard flinched and went for the gun she wasn't wearing because she was in her cabin on the Normandy and usually had it stowed.

"Oh, for pity's sake, Shepard." Kaidan said from the doorway. "Will you please leave Rambo alone?"

"It tried to attack me!" Shepard said with outrage. "It's all nicey nice whenever you're around but the minute you're gone it starts hissing at me and makes these eyes letting me know it's just waiting for a chance to kill me."

Kaidan arched an eyebrow at her. "_She_ is a spider, Shepard. She is not trying to assassinate you in whatever conspiracy you've hatched this week for her."

"You say that now, but some day you're going to come in here, I'm going to be dead on the floor and that spider is going to be grinning because it will know it's won!" Shepard responded watching him put his own weapons up. "Then you'll be sorry you ever brought that thing near me."

He opened his mouth, looking at her and then shook his head. "I don't even know how to respond to that."

"With bug spray! A boot! Something that makes a squishy sound!" She answered and then an unholy light entered her eyes. "Ooooh, we could put it in a box on a meteor and then use the Thanix cannon on it. I'd like to see it walk away from that, hah!"

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest. "No."

"You're my husband! You're supposed to have my back and protect me!"

"I can do that by having you committed for having a psychotic break." He pointed out. "They'll have a nice room with nice games for you to play. Nice food and nice drugs. You'll love it."

Shepard narrowed her eyes at him. "Bet they don't allow nice conjugal visits."

Smiling Kaidan wrapped an arm about her waist and pulled her close, popping a kiss against her lips. "Which is the only reason I haven't done it yet." He neatly dodged her pinching fingers and began stripping off his uniform.

Shepard made a face at the spider before pointing at the naked male body near her and mouthing the words 'mine' to it. The spider smacked a leg against the glass again.

"See! See! It did it again!" She told Kaidan in high tones.

"I was told that this would happen. That marriage would kill my sex life. I just didn't expect it to start 48 hours after we'd said vows." Kaidan said with a long suffering sigh. "I'm standing here naked and you are focused on the spider."

"If you think we're having any kind of sex while that thing is watching, you are in for a sad, sad disappointment." Shepard stated in flat tones, crossing her arms over her chest.

Kaidan gave her a slow, intense smile that sent a delicious shiver down her spine.

"The Normandy will be dropping us off in less than twenty minutes, Kaidan." She held up a hand backing away, fighting to keep a smile off her face. "That is when the honeymoon officially starts."

Kaidan was across the room with a speed that never failed to surprise Shepard. He had her in his arms and tossed her on the bed before the laughter bubbling inside her could explode out.

"Oh, the honeymoon has definitely started." He informed her, his hand sliding under her shirt, the calloused fingers running over smooth skin. "Wife."

Shepard's laughter simmered to something else, her spine arching in anticipation. "Husband." She purred as his attention focused completely on getting her out of her clothes.

Over his shoulder, Shepard glared at the spider still visible at the front of the glass pane. With a smirk she ran her fingers up Kaidan's spine, pulling a shivering groan of desire from him and mouthed the word 'mine' to the creature once more before his hot mouth drove the awareness of anything other than him from her mind.

* * *

He knew he had a stupid grin on his face.

Kaidan shook his head, lifted the glass to his lips and sipped, but finding any regret was difficult. She wore his ring. Granted it was on a chain around her neck because she didn't want to lose it in the middle of combat, but she wore it. He looked at his own hand, the simple band catching the light of the bar and knew the stupid grin had returned.

He didn't want to take his off just yet. The visible reminder that they had done it. They had survived Saren and the Reapers and even their own wedding.

The stupid grin got larger as he remembered Shepard stalking down the wedding aisle in the pink Phoenix armor she detested with a passion. Yeah, she'd given him a scare the morning of the wedding, but he would always treasure the image of the fierce determination on her face…and thanks to the media coverage, he had footage to last him beyond his life.

"Okay, it will take them about an hour to find a suitable replacement for my Mako." Shepard said sliding through the crowd to stand next to him at the bar. She made a motioning gesture for the bartender before facing Kaidan. "Idiot figured my old one was fair game for him to sell since I was dead and everything. He's rather put out that I dared to come back to life and thinks I did it just to spite him."

Kaidan grinned at her. "The whole defeating the Reapers thing was just a side benefit?"

"Serrice Ice Brandy. Bring the bottle." Shepard told the bartender before chuckling. "Guess so. I reminded him of that little bit of my history when he tried to convince me a Hammerhead was a suitable substitute. I told him it would be a pristine condition, current model Mako pimped out like my last one or I would break out my Cain and see how much damage I could do to all of his expensive little toys. Damn cheapskate Salarian."

"Why didn't you ever tell me about this little apartment you won in a bet?" Kaidan asked turning around on the stool to face her, his elbows leaning back against the bar top.

Shepard gave a snorting noise and then looked abashed. "Sorry. I love you, Kaidan, but there are toys I buy for myself that aren't strictly from legal brokers. I'd rather not put you in a position where you're fighting your conscience. The apartment gives me access to contacts and provides a neutral drop off point for my packages. These people don't exactly like delivering to law and order type vessels. Makes them nervous."

Kaidan frowned at her. "You buy weapons off the black market?" There was a disapproving tone in his voice.

She flashed a brilliant smile. "Only good ones." She answered before sipping her brandy. "Damn Chakwas. I was a cheap drunk before she introduced me to this stuff."

"I don't suppose it occurred to you that we should be putting black market weapons dealers out of business, not encouraging them?" He persisted through her attempt to change the subject.

Shepard laughed. "And that right there is the answer to the question of why I didn't tell you about it before. But since we're all married and stuff they're your illegal weapons dealers, too. That whole share and share alike, thing."

"Thanks a lot." Kaidan shook his head.

"Of course, that means I should own half of your stupid sadistic spider, too, and I should be able to stomp on my half whenever I get the urge." A beautiful smile lit up her eyes.

"Leave Rambo alone, Shepard." Kaidan told her before raising a glass to his lips. "You have your pet Widow, I have my pet spider. We're both happy."

"We are not both happy about your pet spider, I tell you that now." Shepard pointed out before shoving her glass and the bottle next to him. "I'm hitting the non-gender non-species specific bathroom they have in this place. You want to order me a burger and fries? No Varren meat."

Kaidan frowned at her. "You don't like varren meat?"

Shepard shook her head. "Naw, there was a varren in Tuchanka that I fell in love with when I visited Wrex awhile back and I feel honor bound not to eat varren now in case it's him. His name was Urz. I fed him once and he followed me everywhere. I really wanted to bring him with me on the Normandy but I figured he didn't need to be uprooted from his much beloved native environment and forced to live in a vastly subpar substitute on a space craft that commonly sees combat just because I'm a selfish superior species who thinks I know what's best in my discrimination against a diverse and varied life form."

"I'm not getting rid of Rambo, Shepard." Kaidan told her in pointed tones, his expression not quite exasperated but close.

"How about I stamp my foot on the floor and claim you don't love me enough?" She tilted her head in question, her pale eyes dancing with humor.

"How about I just order you some mystery meat burger and you take what you can get?" Kaidan responded.

She laughed and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Pyjak meat is fine. A bit stringy, but, hey, tastes like chicken. I'll be right back."

Kaidan watched her go, his eyes falling from long habit to the generous curves of her backside until she disappeared from view into the crowd once more. With a sigh, missing her already, he motioned to the bartender and found something they would both enjoy eating from the limited menu and ordered.

"It is Kaidan Alenko. I knew it." A voice full of snickering laughter boomed behind him.

All hint of humor faded to a mask of politeness as Kaidan turned and watched a broad man in an Alliance uniform walking toward him. "Leeroy Burke." He said with a vague nod toward the soldier that could have meant anything.

"Isn't this your honeymoon, Alenko? Don't you have better things to do instead of hanging out in a bar?" Burke's voice carried loudly in the room attracting attention.

Many of the crowd at the bar seemed interested in the confrontation until one human in Blue Suns armor got a good look at Kaidan and paled. He nudged a Turian with the same armor and muttered the name Alenko. Both stood and quickly retreated even as Kaidan's identity spread and the crowd very noticeably began to back away from him.

Burke wasn't drunk, as Kaidan had first thought. He was simply being his typical self and Kaidan quelled the spark of irritation deciding to simply wait for what he knew was coming next. He'd heard it all before.

"See, I knew it was like this." Burke continued. "Boring, bland Kaidan Alenko can't even keep his wife interested on their honeymoon."

"I see the years haven't changed you, Burke." Kaidan murmured, his disinterest in any kind of conversation obvious.

The lack of a rise seemed to irritate Burke and he moved closer trying to intimidate Kaidan. "You got me reprimanded when we served together."

"Have you learned to follow orders better, Burke?" The question held a flicker of genuine interest in it as Kaidan somehow doubted the other man had risen much in rank since their service together.

Burke shoved his face near Kaidan's. "I only follow the orders of real men, Alenko. Not whiny boring country boys like you."

Kaidan smiled. "You keep hurting my manly feelings like this, Burke, and my wife is going to beat you up."

Burke began poking a finger against Kaidan's shoulder. "I think Shepard is the real man in your marriage…" He managed to get out before the woman in question snagged the finger poking Kaidan, twisted it and Burke's arm painfully, sending the soldier to his knees with a startled cry.

Kaidan flashed a genuine smile to the groaning man. "Burke, have you met my wife?" The words were polite, as if he were accustomed to introducing Shepard to men she was hurting all the time.

"The only person allowed to question Alenko's manhood is me, asshole." Shepard stated in irritated tones before Burke could give an answer. "And since I was exceptionally satisfied last night four..."

"Five." Kaidan corrected smiling as he finished his drink.

Shepard paused, her grip not slacking a bit, thinking about it for a moment. "It was five. I think I blacked out a bit on that last one. Sorry, hon." She gave another painful jerk on the appendage twisted in her grip, creating a pull on Burke's shoulder socket. "Since I was exceptionally satisfied five times last night, I really have no complaints."

"I think Burke feels he could have made it six." Kaidan said with a smile knowing exactly what Shepard was going to do next and he wasn't disappointed.

Using her grip on his arm, Shepard pulled the Marine to his feet, setting him free with a slight shove while her eyes roamed over his body, assessing. "I don't see it." She said with her customary honesty. "I think I'd get heavier breathing while taking cover in the middle of a firefight than I ever would with him."

Kaidan gave a silent laugh while Burke stared at Shepard, his expression stunned and confused.

"Really, who is this idiot, Kaidan?" Shepard turned her back on Burke and sat next to Kaidan, her thumb jerking in Burke's direction.

"We were in basic together. He's the one I told you about when we were bored out of minds at our reception and discussed who we would never want to watch our back in a firefight. You said a Volus, even with biotic powers, I said Leeroy Burke." Kaidan answered.

"Oh, yeah. You won." Shepard said with a nod, her gaze slanting over the marine who was slowly flushing with embarrassment. "Hmm. He looks capable enough."

"Burke would never have last two minutes in combat with you before you shot him yourself." Kaidan responded. "His idea of tactics is to run in, shoot wildly until he's out of ammo and then run out, leaving his squad hanging."

"At least I'm not chicken." Burke answered, a soft whimper in the words.

Shepard's lips curled. "Okay, I'm starting to see what you mean." She said to Kaidan.

"Alenko is the real wuss here!" Burke stated, his face going red again. "He'd rather think about attacking the enemy than really going after him."

"You mean he'd rather think _before_ going after the enemy." Shepard corrected her attention more on the plate of food placed in front of her. She snagged a green fry and dipped it into a pale pink sauce. "Umm, good."

"Whatever! It's like he's so sensitive he doesn't want the enemy to get hurt." Burke continued. "A badass man would go in, kill everything in sight and laugh as he drinks their blood."

"Why would you want to drink their blood?" Shepard gave him an old look. "Have you ever fought husks? What about Collectors? Do you even know what their blood looks like?"

"What about those Thorian Creepers, remember how juicy those were?" Kaidan laughed at the face she made.

"Yes, and I would never drink any of that green crap they had for blood. It took forever just to get their vomit out of my hair." Shepard made a face of disgust before returning her attention to her fries. "Drinking blood is really unsanitary, you know. Not to mention probably tastes vile. And how do you drink the blood of your enemies? Do you carry a special sippy cup? Maybe save some for tea and biscuits later?" She addressed the last question brightly, looking at Burke.

Anger flushed up his cheeks. "You know what I mean."

"Not really, no. I've been in plenty of battles and can honestly say not once have I had the urge to drink an enemy's blood." Shepard responded before deliberately taking a sip of her drink. "The whole thing sounds gross. Do you have urges to eat them after they're dead, too?"

Burke stared at her as if not quite certain how he'd lost the thread of the conversation.

Shepard stared back. "Do they still have psych evaluations in the Alliance? How did you pass if you have this craving to eat your dead enemies?"

Kaidan bit a lip, holding back his laughter.

"Have you thought of going vegan?" Shepard persisted through Burke's silence.

"What about how whiny Alenko is?" Burke burst out finally, trying to assert himself once more. "Always going on about his headaches. 'Ohhh, my head hurts. I can't see'. Boohooo. He should just suck it up and fight like a real man would."

Shepard gave him an alarmed look. "I don't recall Kaidan ever whining about his headaches, but I will say that when they do get bad enough that he can't see, I don't want him shooting a gun anywhere near me. I don't like friendly fire accidents. Better he just sleep it off and catch the next battle."

"That's not the point! He complains!" Burke shouted as the crowd laughed at him. "He's annoying! And he has trust issues! He reminds me of this other guy I knew in basic once, wanted to be a pilot. He had trust issues, too! They even sound the same!"

"I wouldn't trust you either!" Shepard flipped back. "You want to eat your dead enemies! I could wake up and find you gnawing on _my_ shin bone just because you wanted a midnight snack!"

"Trust me, Shepard, he is never waking up with you." Kaidan stated making his tone as serious as possible.

"You're ridiculous!" Burke finally said, ignoring Kaidan. "You just want him for the sex!"

Shepard's expression widened with a 'duh' expression and she held up a hand flaring the palm so her digits went wide. "Five times, Burke. FIVE. _Of course_ I want him for the sex!"

"You two deserve each other!" Burke snarled finally stomping off, shoving his way past the audience he thought would be on his side.

Shepard rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Seriously, do you have to put up with that crap a lot?" She asked her husband before turning her full attention to her food.

Kaidan laughed and caught her hand, pressing at kiss to the smooth skin on the back. "Not since defeating the Reapers and marrying you, no." His grin widened. "Most of them think that in order to be married to the biggest badass in the universe I must have something going for me."

"Five times, Kaidan!" Shepard used the same flared hand and fingers on him that she had used on Burke. "Five!"


End file.
